Humor (More Human)
SO YOU THINK A GALLON OF GASOLINE IS EXPENSIVE?
*Diet Snapple, 16 oz, for $1.29 =$10.32 per gallon
*Lipton Ice Tea, 16 oz, for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon
*Gatorade, 20 oz for $.59 =$ 10.17 per gallon
*Ocean Spray, 16 oz, $1.25 = $10 per gallon
*STP Brake Fluid, 12 oz, for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
*Vick's Nyquil, 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
*Pepto Bismol, 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
*Whiteout, 7 oz for $1.30 =$25.42 per gallon
*Scope, 1.5 oz for .99 = $84.48 per gallon
*Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 =$21.19 per gallon
So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Vick's Nyquil, or Scope, or Pepto Bismol.
from the web
SOME FUNNIES FROM VARIOUS PLACES (mostly from Joke of the day)
I almost had a psychic boyfriend but he left me before we met.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice? (then you are 75% dead...)
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:
I have an ear ache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
Some proposed mergers for 1999
*Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs.
*Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild.
*Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
*W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics, and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
*3M & Goodyear: mmmGood
*John Deere & Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi
*Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home
*Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining: Mine, All Mine
*3M, J.C. Penney, Metropolitan Opera Company: 3 Penney Opera
*Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants: Poupon Pants
*Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women: Knott NOW!
*Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining: Zip Audi Do-Da
*Netscape & Yahoo: Net 'n' Yahoo
--- joke from Wendy Walker ---
WORDS TO LIVE BY!
*ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK.....
* 12% Monday
* 23% Tuesday
* 40% Wednesday
* 20% Thursday
* 5% Friday
by Jim Priddy
RULES FOR WORK
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
"deedle262" sent this in to: The Original Email Joke of the Day. This link is listed below.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable,five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the highways.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally, and for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.
Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)
-Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
-Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
-Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be
-Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
-Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
-Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
-Stud Tires Out
-Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
-Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
-Eye Drops off Shelf
-Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
-Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
-Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
-Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
-Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
-Miners Refuse to Work after Death
-Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
-Stolen Painting Found by Tree
-Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
-Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
-Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
-Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
-Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
-War Dims Hope for Peace
-If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
-Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
-Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
-Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
-Deer Kill 17,000
-Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
-Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
-New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
-Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
-Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
-Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
-Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
-British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
-Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
-Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
-Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
-New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
-Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
-Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
-Air Head Fired
-Steals Clock, Faces Time
-Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
-Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
-Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
-Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
-Include your Children When Baking Cookies
---This joke by Gail Frederick---